About Troy Polamalu: On the Occasion of His Retirement

He says he wants to retire for his children.  

For his family.

And why wouldn't that be the truth?  He's never expressed a desire to be anything more than a simple, family man who makes a living playing professional football.  The obvious contradiction with him being the manner in which he approached the game - The legendary offseason workout regimen - His ferocity on the field juxtaposed so perfectly against his quiet demeanor away from it.  Never again will there be another Troy Polamalu in the National Football League.  And as sad as it may be to realize he's retired from the game, it's doubly satisfying to have witnessed his career and have an opportunity to reflect upon it.  

He is the best I've seen play the game.  Full stop.

His career arc is old hat: Young man plays football with such reckless abandon and the inevitable injuries only serve to hasten the aging process.  With Polamalu we always knew this was how it would go.  How could it not?  He spent more time in the trenches with men 100lbs heavier than him, looking for opportunities amid the scrum, than any other safety in the game.  

But it was in the searching for opportunities that he set himself apart.  Great players tend to take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves, but Polamalu understood how to force opportunities at the most seemingly inopportune moments.  His coaches and teammates entrusted him with almost unprecedented autonomy - a ghost within a play chart full of Xs and Os - but he almost never abused the privilege.  His value as a player lain in his acumen for the game as much as in any of his physical abilities.  

We often called him a risk taker, but the truth lies somewhere between that and genius.  Polamalu calculated risk into every decision on and off the field and, even more than that, when he took a risk, he committed fully.  As a result, he made some of the most memorable plays you'll ever see.  He caught his opponents off-guard even when they knew he was coming by doing things they literally didn't think were possible:  

Leaping lines of scrimmage to break up plays that had barely started.  

Intercepting uncatchable passes.  

Tackling faster running backs in the backfield (see Johnson, Chris).  

Gaining leverage on 400lb offensive linemen.

Those are the things I'll remember about Troy Polamalu on the football field.  Much has been and will be said about him as a player, leader and role-model now that hindsight has become all we have.  He's one of those rare examples where nothing negative should (or could) be said about any of the three.

Batman in the Burgh

In case you haven't heard yet -- and if you're not a regular Post-Gazette reader (or a serious Hollywood nerd) you probably haven't -- the Powers That Be just announced that the next (and apparently final) chapter in the Christopher Nolan directed Batman series is going to be filmed in Pittsburgh!

This is truly amazing news for anyone who's a fan of either the city or the Caped Crusader. Friends and I are already talking about how badass it would be to somehow come away from the production crew's six weeks in the Burgh with a first-hand account of a crazy Christian Bale incident. We even went so far as to propose that we could get jobs as extras and make jokes at his expense any time he's within ear shot just to egg him on. Sure, we'd be risking a serious pummelling, but it would be worth it... a nice story for future grandkids -- "Did Grampa ever tell you kids about the time the famous actor Christian Bale threatened to cut my head off and piss down my throat in front of 75 people?! No? Well, take a seat. It was the summer of 2011 and I was going through my 'Tosh.0' phase..."

To mark the awesomeness of the occasion, here's a list of things I'd like to see happen while Pittsburgh is posing as Gotham City...

1. The Batmobile converts into a Bat-train and rides up one of the inclines on Mt. Washington

2. Bruce Wayne plays a round of golf at Oakmont with Tiger Woods... and beats him

3. Batman catches Big Ben being naughty and gives him a little tune-up because THAT'S NOT APPROPRIATE STEELER BEHAVIOR

4. Bruce Wayne's new apartment is on the top floor of the PPG castle and...

5. the new Batcave is in the underbelly of the now derelict Civic Arena (I can go back to calling it that now, instead of Mellon Arena, right?... thank God!)

6. Batman takes the Bat-boat on a trip up the Mon, ya know, jus'ta get aht-ta dahntahn fer a few

7. Three words: Sophie. Masloff. Cameo.

8. Somebody - ANYBODY (but preferably Bruce Wayne trying to nurse a hangover) - eats a Primanti Bros' sandwich

9. Batman tracks his arch-nemesis du jour back to his hideout at 100 Alfred Lerner Way, Cleveland, OH and blows it the hell up

10. Bruce Wayne forces the Nuttings to sell him the Pirates, pumps a shit-ton of money into free-agent signings and wins a World Series... oooooohhhh, that's a sexy thought.

My Chia has a second name, it's O-B-A-M-A...

I have a new roommate! No, it's not my girlfriend. She, in fact, seemed a little concerned when I first told her about the newest addition to the old homestead... but I think she's warmed up to the idea. You've probably heard about him but, if you're a regular patron at Walgreen's, have probably never actually laid eyes on him... I give you the Chia Obama (Determined pose)...

I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with my new roommate.

Now, I know what some people have said about the Chia Obama. There are those who look upon it as disrespectful and some who even view it as downright racist. I fall into neither camp. I like our President. I crossed the aisle to vote for our President. I think our President has potential to do great things for all of us. So why would I dare try to diminish his stature by contributing to something so banal as the Chia Obama?

1. He pulled for the Steelers in the Super Bowl this year and they won... so this is a bit of a tribute.

2. I genuinely think he isn't the least bit offended by this and probably owns one or two himself... Maybe he sent one to Ahmedinejad.

3. It's definitely going to be cooler looking than a Chia McCain could ever be.

4. I like saying "Chia Obama."

5. It's funny... get over it.

An Open Letter to the Pittsburgh Pirates (obligatory, annually, on or about July 1)

Dear Pittsburgh Pirates,

Had you not managed to squeak out a one run victory in extra innings tonight over one of the most derelict teams in baseball (sorry Cincy... just kidding, not really sorry... you suck, too) you could have expected to find the following motivational note in each of your lunch pails in the morning:

Dear Sirs,

STOP SUCKING.
Please, stop sucking. Just stop it. Stop it now.
With every fiber of my being, I'm asking you to stop it! Stopit-stopit-stopit!!!!
Stawwwwwwwwwwwppppp suuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkking.

Please?

Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop sucking.
You're sucking. Do you realize that?... Will you stop?

I know it's hard. I wish I could explain how those other teams win (screw you Florida) but... it's not my JOB to win baseball games. It's your JOB!
STOP SUCKING!
You just need to stop sucking.
I'm not asking you to win the World Series... I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO STOP SUCKING!

Pretty please?

This happens every year. We get to June and have some glimmer of hope at being a baseball community that wins more often than they lose... but NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You always have to go and ruin it by SUCKING again! Notice how I used "community" in the last sentence? I go where you go... you SUCKING Jagoffs!

At what point do you say "Enough! We're not going to suck ANYMORE!" If Clemente were here, he'd chase out an inside the park homer with three torn knee tendons just to prove the following point: To win baseball games, you have to WANT TO WIN BASEBALL GAMES. Screw the other guy.

ATTENTION PITTSBURGH PIRATES!!!

You can compete!
You have the talent!
STOP SUCKING!
Please?
Pretty pretty please?

After 15 years, I'm starting to grow impatient. You make me sad because I can't force myself to be a fan of another team. I really do love you too much. Boo-effing-whoo!

So SNAP OUT OF IT and get back to glory. DAMMIT! You're the Professional Baseball Club of Pittsburgh! You've won 5 World Series for godsakes! The least you can do is stop wallowing in your own self pity... you don't want to become the Cubs, do you?

Sincerely,
God Is (Also) A Pirate Fan

Now, lets get out there and win 5o more for Danny Murtaugh!

P.s. I love you guys.

Welcome to June!

Ahoy there!

I realize it's been some time since I rapped at ya, but guess what? Who cares????

Seriously, if you care, post a comment.

Anyway, The Penguins just lost the cup, but not for a lack of trying (and i really would like the world to remember how hard they fought because I really don't think Sid will ever lose another Cup Final... psst! He doesn't like losing). I'm not too broken up about it, though... I mean, think about it... The Pirates haven't been mathematically eliminated yet!!! So I've still got that going for me... which is nice.

The wonderful thing coming 'cross the pike is The US Open (next week) at Torrey Pines. It's going to be (as it always has been) AWESOME.

Last year, my Dad and I went to The Open at Oakmont, just outside Pittsburgh, and witnessed an event which could only be described (at least in the golfing world) as a "massacre." By the time The Course got through with Tiger, Phil, Cink and the rest of them there was little left save but one, chain smoking Argentine with narry an "official" golf lesson under his belt. Angel Cabrera did better than anyone else last year and that is what made the difference. He outlasted 'em and it was enough to win... which makes him an excellent golfer.

This year, the course is scenic... and it's tough... but it's mostly scenic and it's not nearly as tough as Oakmont. It also happens to be one of both Tiger Woods' and Phil Mickelson's favorite courses and for the first time ever, the opening pairings at The Open are based on current world rankings (Tiger=1, Lefty=2: for the golf illiterrate out there). It should be a showcase, and I can't wait until Fathers' Day weekend.

You see, last year I had the opportunity to walk, view, admire and (most importantly) discuss the grounds at Oakmont with my Father. Jealousy sets in a bit when I constistently remind myself that my Father has played Oakmont about a half dozen times. However, while Oakmont is the hardest course I could ever imagine (and please, don't question this until you see it) Torrey Pines is probably the most scenic. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You will love The Open... but probably not as much as as I will...

Goodbye, old friend.

You know how it goes...

You go out on a Friday or Saturday night and you're having a great time even though you had to wait in line for 20 minutes to get into the bar despite the fact that it was only 6:30 when you got there and once inside, the bartenders were so overwhelmed that it takes another 20 minutes (or the assistance of a really cute lady... thanks, whoever you are) to get a drink.

In fact, you're having such a great time that you get out your cell phone and start texting all of your friends who aren't already at the same bar to try to convince them to come out... that's when bad things happen. At least one of the following three things is bound to transpire once that phone comes out of your pocket:

1) You drop your phone.
2) You misplace your phone.
3) The texts turn in to something you feel guilty about the next day because you start texting girls you used to (or want to) date even though you know (at least you know when not 3 gin and club sodas deep) pestering them to come meet you at a bar is one of the least cool things you could do.

It's a good thing that #1 happened to me on Friday night because you never know when #3 might rear it's ugly head.

I dropped my phone. Now, I've dropped that phone countless times before, but this time was different. Picture, if you will, a rather heavy blackberry doing a triple gainer on its way to a face-first collision with a concrete floor. The LCD side of my phone landed flush with said floor and it sounded like an open handed slap. When I picked it up it was obviously broken because the only thing I could make out was the date and time across the top. The bottom 3/4 of the screen was completely blank and no amount of turning it off and removing the battery would bring it back. Here's what it looks like now:

I was pissed at myself for being clumsy, the condensation on the outside of my drink glass for making my hands slippery, and at concrete for not being more forgiving.


There is a silver lining though, it forced me to finally get a new phone. I got a new blackberry and switched from Nextel to Sprint (i know, i know... they're the same company... but they still function on different networks). With my new phone I can finally take pictures, record video, and even watch TV!!! It does everything I can ever imagine wanting out of a phone. I remember when Tivo was still a very new product, my roommate in Chicago had it and he used to joke that Tivo was like another roommate and that he fully expected to come home from work some day and see it doing the dishes. I think I'll teach this new technology to cook for me too.

Jesus Christ!!!

No, you weren't hallucinating - yes, I'm talking to you, the other person who reads this blog. There is a new entity writing for this blog, and no, he's not one of my many personalities. Speaking of multiple personality disorder, this story about Herschel Walker is so delicious I don't think I'll be able to go swimming for the entire summer.

Anyhoo... The mere presence of my new colleague here at God Is A Steeler Fan could possibly create a wormhole the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the last time Britney Spears tried to haul her pantiless booty out of an Aston Martin in front of 20+ papparazzi... you see, this new blogger is not only a Baltimore Ravens fan... he's also Jewish. His very existence basically shatters most of what I know about the anything, having been raised both (A) a Steeler fan and (B) Presbyterian, and runs contrary to the very title of this page. This could have been a problem, but after a little bit of reasoning, I came to a conclusion that will allow me to sleep like a baby tonight...

Basically, my co-blogger and I believe in the same God. The God of Abraham and Isaac and yadda yaddish yidda... I simply believe that Jesus is the human extention of God and he does not. Sure, there are the little things - like Passover vs. Easter, baptisms vs. brises, and who killed whom along the way - but in essence, our God is the same God. This got me wondering - How can my friend be a Ravens fan if everybody knows that God is a Steeler fan and he and I essentially believe in the same God??? And then it hit me... My friend is simply wrong about God... Just like he was wrong about Will Ferrell's leading man abilities in his first post.

Your move Mantooth...

Oh, and by the way... if you were a Christian, you would have thought "Elf" was great.