Environmentalists breathed a collective sigh of relief at approximately 11:30 p.m. EST last night as early forecasts of a potential overnight frost in Hell and it’s surrounding metropolitan area were proved to be drastically overstated. Meteorologists pointed to a series of extraordinary events that kicked off a mere 3 hours earlier at M & T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, MD as the cause for their prediction of an imminent “cold day in Hell.” Put quite simply, the New England Patriots may have saved Mankind’s very existence.
Dr. John “Jack” L. Hayes, director of the National Weather Service (part of NOAA) issued the following statement just after 10:45 p.m. “It has come to our attention that the Baltimore Ravens have scored yet another touchdown and have taken a lead over the New England Patriots into the 4th quarter this evening on Monday Night Football. If things continue on this track, there is serious potential for the Domain of Lucifer to see it’s first sub-zero time in history and, although we have performed studies on the potentiality, we have yet to fully determine what impact it may have on the rest of the world. I want to caution everyone to maintain calm and order as these events, while curious, are not representative of a shift in the natural order of things and that we, um, anticipate – A-HEM!!! – a return to normalcy when all is said and done. We [at NOAA] will continue to monitor the events as they unfold and will take all precautionary measures deemed necessary. All we ask from the citizens of this planet is that you stay close to a television set or low frequency radio for potential updates through the emergency broadcast system. See? And you all thought those weekly tests were just an annoying interruption of your regularly scheduled programming.”
For a brief time, there was general concern felt by everyone outside of M & T Bank stadium (the 70,000+ inside were presumably too inebriated to recognize the magnitude of the situation) that Hell could actually freeze over.
All of that changed, however, at just after 11 p.m. when a series of massive blunders by the Baltimore Ravens managed to seemingly put everything back into its rightful place. A poorly exercised timeout by the the coaching staff sent Ravens players into their usual whiny, crybaby state and triggered a snowball effect of fortunate events that culminated with the usually self-involved and always over-rated Bart Scott’s tossing of a referee’s penalty flag into the stands. The Patriots scored the game winning touchdown on that very same play.
After the game, the Ravens players unleashed a cacophony of claims regarding the National Football League and its officiating crews’ bias towards the New England Patriots.
When asked what he thought about the Ravens’ recent concerns regarding officiating they believe is purposely designed to cause them to lose, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made the following comment, “Well, it just wouldn’t be a Ravens loss if I didn’t have to delegate at least 200 man hours over the next week to investigate ‘questionable’ calls. Frankly, I wish they just wouldn’t put themselves in this position every week. It's getting really old.”
Environmental activist and former Vice-President, Al Gore had a slightly different take on the matter. "This is a banner day for the environment, which I love like a mother. In order to avoid a cataclysmic event, not only did the Patriots need to beat the Ravens, the Ravens needed to assume their usual role... Sore Losers. If they had failed to comply... well, I just don't want to even think about where mankind would be today. Thank God I have that spaceship on standby at Kennedy."
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