Dear Pittsburgh Pirates,
Had you not managed to squeak out a one run victory in extra innings tonight over one of the most derelict teams in baseball (sorry Cincy... just kidding, not really sorry... you suck, too) you could have expected to find the following motivational note in each of your lunch pails in the morning:
Dear Sirs,
STOP SUCKING.
Please, stop sucking. Just stop it. Stop it now.
With every fiber of my being, I'm asking you to stop it! Stopit-stopit-stopit!!!!
Stawwwwwwwwwwwppppp suuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkking.
Please?
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop sucking.
You're sucking. Do you realize that?... Will you stop?
I know it's hard. I wish I could explain how those other teams win (screw you Florida) but... it's not my JOB to win baseball games. It's your JOB!
STOP SUCKING!
You just need to stop sucking.
I'm not asking you to win the World Series... I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO STOP SUCKING!
Pretty please?
This happens every year. We get to June and have some glimmer of hope at being a baseball community that wins more often than they lose... but NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You always have to go and ruin it by SUCKING again! Notice how I used "community" in the last sentence? I go where you go... you SUCKING Jagoffs!
At what point do you say "Enough! We're not going to suck ANYMORE!" If Clemente were here, he'd chase out an inside the park homer with three torn knee tendons just to prove the following point: To win baseball games, you have to WANT TO WIN BASEBALL GAMES. Screw the other guy.
ATTENTION PITTSBURGH PIRATES!!!
You can compete!
You have the talent!
STOP SUCKING!
Please?
Pretty pretty please?
After 15 years, I'm starting to grow impatient. You make me sad because I can't force myself to be a fan of another team. I really do love you too much. Boo-effing-whoo!
So SNAP OUT OF IT and get back to glory. DAMMIT! You're the Professional Baseball Club of Pittsburgh! You've won 5 World Series for godsakes! The least you can do is stop wallowing in your own self pity... you don't want to become the Cubs, do you?
Sincerely,
God Is (Also) A Pirate Fan
Now, lets get out there and win 5o more for Danny Murtaugh!
P.s. I love you guys.
