A Schedule That Doesn’t Suck… Depending on Who You Talk To

Yesterday marked the release of the 2011 NFL season schedule. All 32 teams were notified as to WHEN they will face WHICH opponents and WHERE those games will occur. The WHY is explained through the NFL’s scheduling policy and the HOW is TBD when the games are actually played. All of this should be only modestly interesting to any sane human being and even less so this year because nobody can say with any certainty that there will even be a 2011 NFL season. A certain portion of the population, however, looks upon the schedule release event as an opportunity to wax philosophical about the plight of their team.

I speak, of course, of your local American sports-writer. I can virtually guarantee you that if you browse the websites of the daily newspapers from all 32 NFL markets you’ll find at least one article/blog entry written by some crotchety local sports commentator spouting a woe-is-us attitude and dooming the team they cover to a “lucky-to-break-.500” fate in the upcoming season. I only needed to visit the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and Baltimore Sun websites to reach that conclusion. Writers for both dailies managed to find fault with the NFL’s scheduling logic despite the fact that the Steelers and Ravens were “saddled” with (statistically) the 4th and 2nd easiest schedules in the league.

What is it that makes sports writers so glib? Does it really generate revenue for the newspaper to evoke such gloom and doom for the readership to ponder? Do they really believe that they can forecast a team’s destiny or are they simply jaded by spending so much time focused on one team? Think about that notion for a second – Only one team in each professional sports league can win that league’s championship each year. In the case of the NFL, that means there are 31 other teams who end their seasons by failing to reach a goal.

Theoretically speaking, I mean that goals, in sports, exist in perpetuity. Once one goal is met (e.g. winning more games than you lose), another one inherently replaces it (e.g. making the playoffs… unless you’re an NFC West team and then you just go in reverse order) until you reach the ultimate goal of winning a championship and then doing the same thing the following year and so on and so forth... This leads to the drivel athletes rely on to ensure their fans that they are “never satisfied” and “always looking for ways to get better.” My new favorite along these lines is – “The standard is The Standard” – thank you, Mike Tomlin. Anyway, back to my point about sports-writers… if I even have one.

The romantic in me would like to believe it’s the jaded thing. To believe that local beat-writers and sports commentators are hopelessly tied to a proposition that fails more than it succeeds. And that they want to write wonderful things about their teams and express optimism but something deep in their subconscious makes that impossible because they, just like the fans for whom they write, have been hurt too many times by the pain of disappointment.

But the realist in me knows otherwise. Gloom sells papers, or at least, if anything actually SELLS papers anymore, it would be gloom. So take heart, Steelers fans, your team has a pretty favorable schedule in 2011. And to you Ravens fans, it’s almost Easter… go suck an egg.

Batman in the Burgh

In case you haven't heard yet -- and if you're not a regular Post-Gazette reader (or a serious Hollywood nerd) you probably haven't -- the Powers That Be just announced that the next (and apparently final) chapter in the Christopher Nolan directed Batman series is going to be filmed in Pittsburgh!

This is truly amazing news for anyone who's a fan of either the city or the Caped Crusader. Friends and I are already talking about how badass it would be to somehow come away from the production crew's six weeks in the Burgh with a first-hand account of a crazy Christian Bale incident. We even went so far as to propose that we could get jobs as extras and make jokes at his expense any time he's within ear shot just to egg him on. Sure, we'd be risking a serious pummelling, but it would be worth it... a nice story for future grandkids -- "Did Grampa ever tell you kids about the time the famous actor Christian Bale threatened to cut my head off and piss down my throat in front of 75 people?! No? Well, take a seat. It was the summer of 2011 and I was going through my 'Tosh.0' phase..."

To mark the awesomeness of the occasion, here's a list of things I'd like to see happen while Pittsburgh is posing as Gotham City...

1. The Batmobile converts into a Bat-train and rides up one of the inclines on Mt. Washington

2. Bruce Wayne plays a round of golf at Oakmont with Tiger Woods... and beats him

3. Batman catches Big Ben being naughty and gives him a little tune-up because THAT'S NOT APPROPRIATE STEELER BEHAVIOR

4. Bruce Wayne's new apartment is on the top floor of the PPG castle and...

5. the new Batcave is in the underbelly of the now derelict Civic Arena (I can go back to calling it that now, instead of Mellon Arena, right?... thank God!)

6. Batman takes the Bat-boat on a trip up the Mon, ya know, jus'ta get aht-ta dahntahn fer a few

7. Three words: Sophie. Masloff. Cameo.

8. Somebody - ANYBODY (but preferably Bruce Wayne trying to nurse a hangover) - eats a Primanti Bros' sandwich

9. Batman tracks his arch-nemesis du jour back to his hideout at 100 Alfred Lerner Way, Cleveland, OH and blows it the hell up

10. Bruce Wayne forces the Nuttings to sell him the Pirates, pumps a shit-ton of money into free-agent signings and wins a World Series... oooooohhhh, that's a sexy thought.

Opening Day Thoughts

Sure, yesterday was technically MLB's Opening Day, but the Pirates weren't included in the pomp, as well they shouldn't have been. An inauspicious day two opener is perfectly suitable in their case. Same goes for my number two team, the Orioles. In either case, sheepishly and nonchalantly starting your seasons under the cloud of dust left by yesterday's festivities is the perfect foil for national journalists who would otherwise take stabs at the flailing franchises.

That being said, I have very little of substance to say regarding the Buccos' 2011 campaign. I've grown numb to delusions of improvement over the years, although something about This Edition's young nucleus, Messrs Tabata and Alvarez, in particular, has me modestly excited. Can the Professional Baseball Club of Pittsburgh actually make some headway? For near-on two decades now they've been an Odysseus, completely lost, without any discernable plan for return to prominence. As a fan, I don't expect a winning season... All I want is a team that hasn't become a laughing-stock by the all-star break.

Oh, Canseco...

Remember the basketball coach from the movie "Teen Wolf"?

Of course you do.

Well, at one point, he imparts upon Scott Howard three simple rules that he lives by and suggests that if Scott sticks to them, "everything else is cream cheese":

1. Never get less than 12 hours of sleep
2. Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city
3. Never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body

Let's add a fourth rule to this list today:

4. Never try to scam a boxing promoter

Seriously, if you told me it was anyone other than the Canseco Brothers who tried to pull this off, I would have thought this was an Onion piece. Now, I don't know this boxing promoter but he seems like a square dealer. I guess the Brothers Canseco are fortunate that their only facing a lawsuit now and something less "professional" didn't happen to Ozzie that night.

Seemingly buried in this story is the disturbing fact that there is at least one member of the general public out there who can recognize which mostly naked Canseco brother they're watching in a boxing match based on their tattoos. I guess I can forgive Jose and Ozzie for overlooking the inconvenient reality that tattoos are permanent because really, I don't think anyone could count on someone that creepy to be in the audience.

My Chia has a second name, it's O-B-A-M-A...

I have a new roommate! No, it's not my girlfriend. She, in fact, seemed a little concerned when I first told her about the newest addition to the old homestead... but I think she's warmed up to the idea. You've probably heard about him but, if you're a regular patron at Walgreen's, have probably never actually laid eyes on him... I give you the Chia Obama (Determined pose)...

I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with my new roommate.

Now, I know what some people have said about the Chia Obama. There are those who look upon it as disrespectful and some who even view it as downright racist. I fall into neither camp. I like our President. I crossed the aisle to vote for our President. I think our President has potential to do great things for all of us. So why would I dare try to diminish his stature by contributing to something so banal as the Chia Obama?

1. He pulled for the Steelers in the Super Bowl this year and they won... so this is a bit of a tribute.

2. I genuinely think he isn't the least bit offended by this and probably owns one or two himself... Maybe he sent one to Ahmedinejad.

3. It's definitely going to be cooler looking than a Chia McCain could ever be.

4. I like saying "Chia Obama."

5. It's funny... get over it.

Lessons Learned (or RE-learned) over the weekend...

1. Don't make the first time you swing golf clubs in 5 months be at the range immediately before your very first round of golf for the season.

1b. If you have to break rule #1, make sure you aren't using a brand new set of clubs that are severely different than the set you had been using for the last decade... best to stick with the old one.

1c. If you have to break rules #1 and 1b, make sure you don't play the round on a course that is challenging... this all leads to high scores and, in golf, those are a bad thing.

2. Anytime you're going to the better part of Saturday and Sunday outside in very sunny conditions, make sure you wear a hat and sunscreen... unless you like it when you're face, neck and legs feel like they're wrapped tightly in burlap on Monday morning.

3. Don't be hungover and nauseous at big, crowded events like the Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C... the diversity will seem less interesting, the little children - less cute, and the crowds - more suffocating.

4. A nap, followed by a sushi dinner is a darn good way to ultimately get over said hangover.

5. The Pirates begin today one game into the count-up for number of days they manage to stay "mathematically" not eliminated from the MLB playoffs... this isn't really a "lesson" but it is a positive revelation, never-the-less.

I'm back!

Of course, technically, I've always been here... on the interwebs, that is... I just haven't been blogging. You see, GodIsASteelerFan was too busy over the last 7 months helping the Steelers win another championship to trivialize things with blog entries. Now that I've had my proverbial 7th day of rest following the Big Game, I'm ready to start back up again. Those of you who are familiar with this page will be quick to point out "But Sir, your blogging habits before your unannounced seven month sabbatical were already sporadic, at best!" I realize that and i've come up with a plan... it's called "keeping it short and sweet." There you have it... copyright it... coin the phrase... nobody has ever said it before. I plan to keep entries down to one paragraph. No more rambling on and on and on about the Pirates' misfortunes... from here on out, it'll just be quick hits about the Pirates' misfortunes. Of course, if the Pirates actually manage a good season, you could all be in for a few mini novellas. Now, off to the races!

GO BUCS!