Forced choice?!! May I abstain?

So, the Steelers report for training camp this weekend in Latrobe, PA... a fact that actually takes on a depressing air when you consider that the Latrobe Brewing Company was recently gobbled up by Anheuser-Busch and will subsequently be moved away from the home of Arnold Palmer. Things will never be the same... alas.

My reason for posting this evening is to support a tradition (albeit newly formed) of the "Forced Choice Friday," wherein I must decide upon a preference between two sides in an insanely unimportant argument... I get it, which is why I'm participating.

This week, the choices were provided by my sister, DittoHeston (aptly named despite the fact that she has the better of me by 4+ years... count it!):

1. Toilet paper end: over or under? Do I have to answer this if I use tissue paper? Because tissue paper usually comes straight up from the box... I'll go with under because you can really take a good yank at it when there is some extra weight.

2. Joe Simpson or Kevin Federline? I don't understand why I'm choosing between them... if I want someone to exploit my teenage daughter, give me Joey S... if I want someone to exploit a pair of workout pants and a bandana, give me some special K. Fed.

3. Margaritas or Mojitos? Ahhhhhhhh.... Mooo-heee-toooo.... What? I don't think it's a gay drink.

4. Yoga or Pilates? hmmm... well... the only one of the two I've ever even tried is Pilates and I was sore for about a week, so I'll have to go with beer therapy.

5. Sweet Valley High or Choose Your Own Adventure? Since I'm not a woman, I'll go with Choose Your Own Adventure.

6. 1980’s Canadian Superstar Conrad Bain, or 1980’s Canadian Superstar Alan Thicke? I feel like I owe more hours of my life to "Growing Pains," so Alan Thicke... still gotta wonder where this question comes from.

7. Mad cow disease or bird flu? Penicillin

8. Celebrity Ex-Con Robert Downey Jr., or Celebrity Ex-Con Martha Stewart? Robert Downey Jr. was much better in Natural Born Killers... even though Martha is definitely the more natural born killer.

9. Pennsyltucky or Kentuckianna? Pennsyltucky has much better football.

10. Pepperjack or Horseradish cheddar? I enjoy everything cheesy but, since I'm forced to choose... Pepperjack... I like it spicy.

Mom, I know what I want for Christmas...

It's been a few weeks now since I started this blog and I'm sure that those of you who know me best are just waiting for me to go off on one of my passionate rants about Van Halen - or, as I like to call them, The Greatest American Rock Band... Ever. (sorry Allman Brothers, you're a strong second)

I don't care if other people don't like their music. That's perfectly acceptable... some people don't like to enjoy themselves... but it always gets to me when people aren't able to recognize the impact that Eddie, Alex, Mike, Sammy, and of course Diamond Dave have had on all popular music (rock, rap, country, Paula Abdul, etc...) since the late 1970's.

Eddie Van Halen has always produced on the cutting edge of his profession and, despite the occassional pandering to critics (e.g. Right Now), has managed to influence different styles at different stages of his career on young, aspiring musicians. Now, it appears he is trailblazing yet again... If there is to ever be a porn movie that actually sells more copies of its soundtrack than the actual film, this will be it. Maybe he'll become the John Williams of the porn industry and start racking up "Woodys" like Williams racks up "Oscars."

Seriously, how did someone not think of this before? Porn and heavy metal (or hard rock, if your one of those jerks who refuses to call V-H "heavy metal") go together like peas and... well, peas. This is an absolute brainbuster of an idea and must have Tommy Lee saying to himself "HOW THE F-BOMB COULD I MISS THAT?!!!!!" I guess he and Bret Michaels were too busy starring in pornos to take some initiative and tap (pun intended) the soundtrack market.

Here's to you Edward Van Halen: my person of the week and...

MOST. INNOVATIVE. GUITARIST. EVER!

Not like we all really needed another reason to watch.

What the hell happened?: Too HOTT for TV edition

Because more Americans get their news from me, than from any other source, here are my picks for the top five news stories over the last couple of days (actually, I kinda picked these out of thin air):

5. Just when you thought it was safe for a yankee to win a bicycle race in France... think again.

4. When Matt Dillon was making a name for himself as a Drugstore Cowboy (superb movie), noone told him that the purple pills he kept leaving behind could be so profitable.

3. Eldrick (Tiger) Woods won his 11th major championship just outside Liverpool, England... proving yet again that Phil Mickelson is in poor shape.

2. What was that about the middle east?!!! You'll have to speak louder!!! I can't hear you over all of the explosions!!!!!!!

...and easily, the most intriguing and newsworthy story in recent memory!!!

1. Lance Bass + 1 gallon of hair product = Brokeback Boy Band

At last... Some CLOSURE!!!!

Just in case you had stopped caring, it looks like FIFA finally handed out fines and suspensions to BOTH Zinedine Zidane and his Italian bosom-buddy (zing!) Marco Materazzi.

The Frenchman was fined the equivalent of (US) $6,000 and suspended for 3 French international matches. His Italian counterpart was whacked (count it!) with $4k in fines and a 2 game suspension for provoking Zidane. Apparently verbal insults are exactly two-thirds as heinous as physical assault.

Now that this whole affair seems to be settled, what am I going to blog about?!!! Let's all hope that the Feds indict Barry Bonds for Perjury and Tax Evasion. Wouldn't that just totally make him the Al Capone of the 21st century?

In the wake of "Head-butt Gate 2006" I leave you with this final image... what would happen if Zinedine Zidane came in contact with the Death Star?

I've heard of "Africa hot," but jeez!

It's soooooo hot outside today.
(all together now)
HOW HOT IS IT???!!!!

It's really really hot outside. It's so hot that (no joke) the Weather Channel is calling for a low (LOW) of 88 degrees at midnight tonight in Baltimore with a "feels like" temperature of 94. Can they even apply the heat index at night?

To apply one of my favorite lines from Seinfeld... "it's like a sauna in here." The only difference being that Kramer was actually sitting in a sauna when he said it. I merely went outside to pick up lunch and felt like I had just taken a steam.

I know it does no good to complain about it... it just (somehow) makes me feel a little bit better.

Now, you too can attempt to crack a few ribs with Zizou's head.

I guess, for childish people like me, it will take a long time for something as utterly brilliant as Zidane's head butt to be left alone. Thankfully, until that time comes, we have this new game to pass the time. It's kind of in the tradition of this HI-larious reenactment of Dick Cheney on his infamous hunting trip.

I don't think it will replace my favorite time-wasting, mouse-clicky game which is essentially all about smashing penguins with a baseball bat. The first time I played this game, I was having so much fun, I was almost ashamed of myself... almost.

God! Kip hasn't had to do flippin' ANYTHING today!!!

For no other reason than I haven't posted anything all week... I give you a little clip from "Napoleon Dynamite," the movie that grows on you like a fungus.



Here's to a good, ol' fashioned slap fight!!!!!

We've come to expect more from the French... wait, maybe we shouldn't

Even if you're not a soccer fan, chances are pretty good that by this point you've heard about Zinedine Zidane's amazing display of sociopathic behavior towards the end of overtime in yesterday's World Cup Final between France and Italy.



Now, I was cheering for the Italians (and not because I particularly care for the Italian national soccer team... winkwink) so I have to admit that it was a little satisfying to see a French national hero walking off the pitch with his head bowed in shame. Sure, I kinda felt bad for the guy: It was his last game and he put himself in a position to go out like John Elway or Jerome Bettis... at the very pinnacle of his profession... but, because he lost control for a couple of seconds, he'll be looked at more like Ty Cobb reviled for poor sportsmanship.

Of course, being an American who thinks that one of the coolest things in sports is when a batter charges the mound in baseball, I have to say that the whole incident certainly added drama:

A reason to watch CMT other than reruns of "Surviving Nugent"

All those of you with a PHD (playa-hatin' degree) out there, take notice: Ben Roethlisberger's recovery is going well... extremely well (take that common-sense-helmet-laws!). It's going so well in fact, that in the next week, Ben will be participating in a celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, NV and appearing in a music video for a country band that hails from da 'Burgh.















A quick question for Heir Roethlisberger, though... why a country band? Of all the bands from Pittsburgh, it had to be a country band? I mean, where's Donnie Iris? At the very least, he could try and help out The Clarks Band a little. I'll never understand America's fascination with country and western music... with a few notable, hot, female artist, exceptions.

The right side of history...

I finally saw Syriana last night. I suppose it was a good movie. I wasn't happy watching it, but I also don't think I was as alarmed as the filmmakers would have liked for me to be. For certain, though, I wasn't going to turn it off and go to bed early. It grabbed my attention and that is exactly what a movie like this is supposed to do.

From a political standpoint, I agree with most of the points the movie tried to make. Yes, oil is a huge problem. Yes, our dependence on middle eastern nations for oil makes it an even bigger problem. And yes, American influence in that region only fuels the anti-west movement with an extra dose of rage-a-hol.

Here's to hoping that a movie made by Hollywood millionaires can reverse the trend!

I've always enjoyed George Clooney... good actor, witty, chooses entertaining roles... but man, if he hasn't become one of the most self-righteous people in the entertainment industry!

In one of the special features on the DVD, Clooney is being interviewed and could not sound more caught up in his own little world of activism. He says things like (to paraphrase):

- People who say that they've traveled to these parts of the world (the middle east and africa) and that they don't think things are as bad as they are made out to be... "well, those people need to travel more." -- Do they? And I guess we'll travel on jets that use hydrogen fuel cells?

...and then there's this one... to me, the coup de gras (and this is a direct quote):

- "It's nice to be on the right side of history." -- How arrogant do you have to be to say something like this????? Apart from being an obvious statement... it's just something that a humble person doesn't say. If you can't admit fallibility in advance, don't you think people will see that as an inability to take responsibility down the road?

Thanks George, but maybe you could just start work on Ocean's 13 or something else to entertain us... that is your job, after all.

Caption Contest

Caption contests are always fun... you know, they're the thing where I give you a picture, and we see who can make up with the best caption to go along with it. Submit your answers in the comments. The winner will be determined by a committee of one (me) and will be announced in one week's time. Check out the picture below and try to come up with a better caption than the one I gave. Happy Wednesday everyone!

The Army goes metrosexual.

Moby Tick

Call me Todd. Some years ago - actually it was just last Thursday - I noticed something peculiar on the hindpart of my left leg, just above the ankle.

OK, that's enough trying to sound like Herman Melville... even my 10th grade English teacher thought he was boring.

If you've read my previous post, you know by now that I got bit by something recently (and no, Mom, it wasn't the "love bug"... sorry to disappoint). You see, I woke up on Thursday morning and just before I got in the shower, I noticed a red spot on the back of my left leg, just above the ankle. It itched, to be sure, but it didn't really hurt so I wasn't ready to go to the doctor. By the time I got home from work on Thursday night it looked like this...

At this point it was a little painful, but of greater concern to me was the fact that it looked like I had been branded by ranchers who work for Target. I had heard of this before... the "bulls-eye" shaped rash that could very well signify lyme disease, a condition which could lead to horrible things down the road (it would suck to have arthritis before I turn 30). I resolved to go to the doctor the next day if it wasn't better in the morning.

It wasn't better in the morning... in fact, on Friday, it was significantly worse. I could barely walk. So, riddle me this... why did I go into work? Because I had stuff to do. Ohmygod... could it have happened? Am I actually important at work? I digress...

I was in agonizing pain, and as soon as I got into work, I notified my boss that I would probably be taking a half day to go to the doctor to get what I think is a tick-bite looked at. Of course, she said that would be no problem and, out of curiosity, she asked to see the bite. While hobbling around on one leg, I lifted the cuff on my Dockers and revealed something that looked a little like this...




She didn't like the looks of it (neither did the other people that she motioned over to take a look) and essentially told me to go to the doctor right away. An order which I obeyed (that's me... slave to the man).

I didn't have an appointment, so I sat in the family practice center at University Hospitals in downtown Baltimore for about 2 hours before anyone would see me. When I finally got called out of the waiting area, I sat in one of those little rooms for another 45 minutes before a doctor came in... Now, I'm no expert on the medical profession, but I can only assume that the "doctor" who came in to my room was what you call a "first year resident." I actually think this could have been her very first shift because she entered the room, took one look at the back of my leg which I had de-socked and elevated on the patient table and her eyes got as big as sand-dollars. The first words out of her mouth weren't "Hi, I'm Dr. So-and-so," they were "Oh WOW! What happened to your leg?" She really needs to work on her bedside manner.

After this confidence inspiring moment, I was a little relieved when she brought in another doctor, who I can only imagine acts as the Dr. Cox to her Elliot Reid. Together, they listened to my story about how I don't remember getting bitten by anything, but have been outside recently and just noticed the rash the day before. They conferred and said that the chances were pretty good that it's not Lyme disease, but didn't want to rule it out, so they prescribed me a course of Doxycycline, an antibiotic which should kill Lyme disease or any other insect born bacteria, and 800mg Motrin for the pain. They said if it didn't start to get better within 48 hours, to come back and see them.

The rest of the day on Friday and all day Saturday were incredibly painful experiences. Sunday was better (even though it still looked like someone went all Shane Stant on my leg), Monday was significantly better and today I'm virtually pain free. So that's my ordeal... could have been a lot worse, but it could have been a lot better.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to go watch fireworks.

A whole week without a post...

Last week was retarded (and don't take that as a slur towards special needs people).

It started, obviously, with the grandiose "wake-up-to-a-broken-car-mirror" I got on Monday and ended with me in agonizing pain waiting for a doctor to give me a prescription for an antibiotic. Nestled in the middle was a seemingly endless Wednesday business trip to Jersey... always a treat (gas is $4/gallon in Newark!). Then, if you throw in the facts that England really screwed the pooch and France pissed everybody off by beating Brazil, this weekend wasn't all that great either.

If you're wondering about the "agonizing pain" I was in to end the week, don't worry, we'll get to the chronic-what!-cles of my tick bite in a future post... I have pictures to share. Just don't worry about me because it looks like I'll be ok.

Thank Jebus for the holiday this week! I need an extra day off.